Dark Thoughts and being Pregnant

I am seven weeks pregnant now. I do not have any doubts. I want this baby very much. The thing is the negative thoughts are dancing in my brain. Long forgotten quarrels and arguments from family, friends. Past events, I thought I had forgotten but no. Every detail is in my mind.

I can not sleep well. I am worrying about things all the time. I dont know will it ever go away. Books say it will after the 10th week.

I am glad I am married. When it is right, you know it is right. When it is not right, you do not want to think about it. If you had doubts and you went to search for them and decided this is the guy. Most probably he is. If you had doubts but you pretended to be worried and decided to settle down no matter what. I don't know.

Faith is important.

I am so emotional I do not know what I am talking about. My hormons make me a different person. I am a new woman now but I am not sure I like her better. She is too emotional, too sensitive, too touchy and edgy all the time. Waiting for the time to get mad.

I hope this passes easily....

Cheers youall there!

Second Thoughts: Doubts before Marriage

In matrimony, to hesitate is sometimes to be saved.-- Samuel Butler

So if you really love me, Say yes.
But if you don't, dear, confess.

Marriage is an huge step in life. Before my first marriage, I had many doubts, I had a feeling this might not worked. However I have made a promise to my boy friend, so I went along and get married. And guess what? I am divorced now. What is more interesting is, all my friends have divorced or about to getting a divorce, or wants to but afraid of getting a divorce. I have witnessed all these marriages and relationships from start to end. Then I started to wonder, would it make any change to talk about doubts? What is wrong with doubts and worries? Many people have doubts before getting married, there is the wedding anxiety, fear of commitment and so on. Yet, people get married and some of them really be happily ever after. (Few but it happens)

Did these happy couples have doubts before marriage? I guess yes. what about divorced couples. Hell, yes. So what difference does it make? Which feelings are just anxiety, which feelings of doubt can be the sign of a more important thing. That is the question.

Only the people who are getting married can know the difference between the anxiety or the real doubts. There are ways to help them figure it out.

Marriage Pressure

You have to remind your friend, and yourself, you have to take care of the pressure. Maybe every single person around you wants you to get married. Maybe you are getting older and worried about living single. Maybe it is your parents or in-laws or relatives. You feel the pressure. You feel you are giving up. "I will do what ever you tell me please just take away the pressure!!!"

This is dangerous. The best way to help yourself is to remove this pressure from your life and try to understand what you really want. Go for a vacation alone. Mediate. Try yoga. Talk to friend who are not obsessed about marriage, who do not care that much. Go someplace where you can be alone, with yourself. Imagine you are going to die in a year. Would you still wanted to be married to this person? If you are going to die in ten years?

If you have poor stress management techniques, it is possible that you make bad decisions under stress. It is an important decision to be taken seriously. If it is your parents, image you are living alone. Imagine they don't exist. Would you still marry?

If the answer is no, just walk away.

Is is marriage or relationship?

Are you in love? Do you want the person next to you to be with you? Maybe he is a great guy, and he asked the question with a beautiful stone. You said yes. Now you can not stop worrying and love the ring. Well. Maybe you might consider taking things slow. You can plan a long engagement to be sure. Engagement is a stressful event, with lots of quarrels, his family, your family, lots of conflicts, differences. If you do not want to commit yourself, there may be two options. Either you have commitment issues. Or simply, you do not love this guy enough.

If you think you have commitment issues, make some thought experiments. What if he was this person, what if it was your high school sweetheart? What if he was the guy you always adored but did not have courage to ask him out? Would these conditions make any difference? So try to imagine, do you have commitment problems in general? In what conditions you would say, this is it, and I am going to die if I don't marry this person! If you can think about conditions, you can say, it is not about you. It is your feelings towards this person. It is not the marriage. There are deeper implications.


I will continue tomorrow...

(I am getting married very soon. I think at last I know the difference between anxiety of marriage, the wedding and ceremony and not wanting to get married. In this second round, I had though times but whenever I look at my man, I see us growing old with children, and have an amazing life together, to sleep with him every night....)

Before Getting Married... Any doubts?

It is hard to make a decision that changes your life forever. (It is harder for the second time you'd think but not for me in its own mysterious way). This post is intended to people who already have a committed relationship and consider walking the line.

Anti-Marriage Arguments

Why bother?

Despite what we are always told, there are many women who do not want to get married. The research has stated that marriage increases the risk for depression in women and decreases for men. So many independent, clever and single woman ask to themselves, "we are pretty much living together, we enjoy ourselves, why bother? "

Families.

When you get married your families are all over the place. When we are living together it is just the two of us. I am reading a book named "when difficult relatives happen to good people". The book says, in every family, there are different personality types, one narcissist, one moderate narcissist, one giver, one moderate giver. If you get along with your mate, you probably wont get along with one or more siblings or one of the parent. It is the way things are, we should expect it and not worry about it. (Your love is the most important thing. You are not marrying his family.)

Families before the Wedding

If you are a tense person, It may be the right time to attend to a stress management class or start doing pilates and yoga. When wedding time comes, families go mad. Their demands, their requests, old feelings, old scars people have about their weddings and their in-laws. Be patient. I think many people prefer to stay single than go through this mess. (If you have been dating for some time, and met with some of the family members, and have some negative opinions about them it may be harder.)

Do you love enough?

Maybe it is fear, but if you decided to get married, than started having second thoughts, you have to think well. It may be nothing, just the excitement. However, it can be a sign for a more important thing. Many people regret not to listen to these second thoughts and married anyway and divorced later. No one can tell you about your feelings. Look inside you. Take a deep look at to the person next to you. Does s/he make you laugh, do you want to have sex with him/her, do you adore her/him? Everyone has a different style of loving. Choose yours, think about the things that really matter. If there is no problem go and get married, if there is RUN!

What should you do?

I think you have to do some inner work to figure out whether your feelings are caused by fear or there is a bigger issue? Maybe you are running from yourself because you do not want to ruin your wedding? This was what I had done before my first marriage. I loved the guy, as a friend. He made me laugh sometimes, but it was not so important to me, as I later understood. I had a feeling that we would not last long. But instead of trusting that feeling, I suppressed my self, I rationalized my feelings and spent four years in oblivion which was totally unnecessary. One thing I should do was to say: I am sorry, I don't love you enough.

So I want to warn young people, don't say "I do" unless you are absolutely sure. Beware of the rationalizations you make. Listen to your feelings.

Is is Too Late to Change Plans?

It is never too late. Believe me, the best divorce is not as good as not marrying in the first place. I always respect people who run away from their own weddings. Think about the courage. All the people you love are there, but you take the risk and go! This is something I couldn't do so paid a high price. I do not say, wait until the end, do not ever wait. However, do not get married if you have serious doubts. Make sure first.