Others: Happy Looking Couples

"There is only one kind of love, but there are a thousand imitations."François
de La Rouchefoucauld

I have just read a screen play by Donald Marguiles. "Dinner with friends". There is also a 2001 movie version of it. It is about two married couples, who likes to spend time together. Then one of the couples split up, and the other couple questions what is going on in their relationship.

In most of the unhappy relationships there exists a problem of others. The grass is always greener on the other side. You have problems, but on the other side of your gate, your neighbour's home is so warm, his wife is so understanding, their relationship is so satisfactory, you may feel. Most of the time, the guy next door feels the same about you.

Most of the couples have a public mask. They want to be perceived in a certain way, that will fit their image. However it may hide lots of problems. There is no such thing as a "happy childhood" and there is no "perfect couples" , "ideal lives". In real life and love there are quarrels, fights and problems of day to day life. You may not witness them but they are there. If they do not exist, the lack of disagreement may be the real problem. So fighting in a relationship is perfectly normal and healthy.

They give you a role model. If you are young, that is worse. They spread their marriage propaganda, their way of living. Before my first marriage I adored a couple I knew. They always looked so happy together, always laughing. They were both academicians, they had this wonderful life. They tasted wine together, go the theatres and movies, attended book clubs, movie clubs. Lots of multi-cultural friends. They hang out together, and by themselves from time to time. They can talk about anything. The woman is really independent and strong. The man respects that. They were collage sweethearts and so on.

So I adored this couple, I wanted to be like them. I got married to my friend. I was not madly in love but what the heck, this couple was not too. Then slowly it came to me. I figured out this couple was not happy at all. They yearned for real love but did not know how to get it. They lacked passion. They were friends all right but it did not suit for marriage. We do not marry all our friends, are we? They were lonely people can not get a divorce because of their child and own fears and insecurities. They liked each other as company but did not love each other. My marriage collapsed and then I figured. passion is a must and it is totally different from friendship.

You can not judge your relationship by other couples standards. First it may not fit you, second you do not know how they are when they are by themselves. So it is important to be careful and listen to your heart.

An imitation is more glorious than real.
Be real, be true.
Don't settle for anything less than true love.

Cheers.

Before Getting Married... Any doubts?

It is hard to make a decision that changes your life forever. (It is harder for the second time you'd think but not for me in its own mysterious way). This post is intended to people who already have a committed relationship and consider walking the line.

Anti-Marriage Arguments

Why bother?

Despite what we are always told, there are many women who do not want to get married. The research has stated that marriage increases the risk for depression in women and decreases for men. So many independent, clever and single woman ask to themselves, "we are pretty much living together, we enjoy ourselves, why bother? "

Families.

When you get married your families are all over the place. When we are living together it is just the two of us. I am reading a book named "when difficult relatives happen to good people". The book says, in every family, there are different personality types, one narcissist, one moderate narcissist, one giver, one moderate giver. If you get along with your mate, you probably wont get along with one or more siblings or one of the parent. It is the way things are, we should expect it and not worry about it. (Your love is the most important thing. You are not marrying his family.)

Families before the Wedding

If you are a tense person, It may be the right time to attend to a stress management class or start doing pilates and yoga. When wedding time comes, families go mad. Their demands, their requests, old feelings, old scars people have about their weddings and their in-laws. Be patient. I think many people prefer to stay single than go through this mess. (If you have been dating for some time, and met with some of the family members, and have some negative opinions about them it may be harder.)

Do you love enough?

Maybe it is fear, but if you decided to get married, than started having second thoughts, you have to think well. It may be nothing, just the excitement. However, it can be a sign for a more important thing. Many people regret not to listen to these second thoughts and married anyway and divorced later. No one can tell you about your feelings. Look inside you. Take a deep look at to the person next to you. Does s/he make you laugh, do you want to have sex with him/her, do you adore her/him? Everyone has a different style of loving. Choose yours, think about the things that really matter. If there is no problem go and get married, if there is RUN!

What should you do?

I think you have to do some inner work to figure out whether your feelings are caused by fear or there is a bigger issue? Maybe you are running from yourself because you do not want to ruin your wedding? This was what I had done before my first marriage. I loved the guy, as a friend. He made me laugh sometimes, but it was not so important to me, as I later understood. I had a feeling that we would not last long. But instead of trusting that feeling, I suppressed my self, I rationalized my feelings and spent four years in oblivion which was totally unnecessary. One thing I should do was to say: I am sorry, I don't love you enough.

So I want to warn young people, don't say "I do" unless you are absolutely sure. Beware of the rationalizations you make. Listen to your feelings.

Is is Too Late to Change Plans?

It is never too late. Believe me, the best divorce is not as good as not marrying in the first place. I always respect people who run away from their own weddings. Think about the courage. All the people you love are there, but you take the risk and go! This is something I couldn't do so paid a high price. I do not say, wait until the end, do not ever wait. However, do not get married if you have serious doubts. Make sure first.