Others: Happy Looking Couples

"There is only one kind of love, but there are a thousand imitations."François
de La Rouchefoucauld

I have just read a screen play by Donald Marguiles. "Dinner with friends". There is also a 2001 movie version of it. It is about two married couples, who likes to spend time together. Then one of the couples split up, and the other couple questions what is going on in their relationship.

In most of the unhappy relationships there exists a problem of others. The grass is always greener on the other side. You have problems, but on the other side of your gate, your neighbour's home is so warm, his wife is so understanding, their relationship is so satisfactory, you may feel. Most of the time, the guy next door feels the same about you.

Most of the couples have a public mask. They want to be perceived in a certain way, that will fit their image. However it may hide lots of problems. There is no such thing as a "happy childhood" and there is no "perfect couples" , "ideal lives". In real life and love there are quarrels, fights and problems of day to day life. You may not witness them but they are there. If they do not exist, the lack of disagreement may be the real problem. So fighting in a relationship is perfectly normal and healthy.

They give you a role model. If you are young, that is worse. They spread their marriage propaganda, their way of living. Before my first marriage I adored a couple I knew. They always looked so happy together, always laughing. They were both academicians, they had this wonderful life. They tasted wine together, go the theatres and movies, attended book clubs, movie clubs. Lots of multi-cultural friends. They hang out together, and by themselves from time to time. They can talk about anything. The woman is really independent and strong. The man respects that. They were collage sweethearts and so on.

So I adored this couple, I wanted to be like them. I got married to my friend. I was not madly in love but what the heck, this couple was not too. Then slowly it came to me. I figured out this couple was not happy at all. They yearned for real love but did not know how to get it. They lacked passion. They were friends all right but it did not suit for marriage. We do not marry all our friends, are we? They were lonely people can not get a divorce because of their child and own fears and insecurities. They liked each other as company but did not love each other. My marriage collapsed and then I figured. passion is a must and it is totally different from friendship.

You can not judge your relationship by other couples standards. First it may not fit you, second you do not know how they are when they are by themselves. So it is important to be careful and listen to your heart.

An imitation is more glorious than real.
Be real, be true.
Don't settle for anything less than true love.

Cheers.

Passion, Commitment, Intimacy: I love thee.

Western civilization is obsessed with triangles. Here comes another one. Triangle theory of love by psychologist Robert Sternberg. This theory explains what I have been talking about in my previous post Where Does Romantic Love Come From?


You can read the summary of the theory from wikipedia Triangular Theory of Love.


I think it is an interesting theory. It explains why some of the relations last no matter what. When I was in high school, a friend of mines parents were talking about divorce all the time. They have talked about hating each other, divorcing each other in front of their kids for at least ten years. (It has been 10 years since I have last seen them, but they are still together as I have heard recently). The problem was (I thought and many people I knew thought at that time) the woman was a collage graduate, articulate, intellectual, strong teacher where the man was a high-school-drop-out photographer, not much into books or movies, more into sports and kind of macho in his own sexy way. When they were together you could feel some sparks in the air. They could not get on very well on daily matters, they were totally different in every aspect of life. We could not get it.

One day the mistery was resolved. I was with my friend on breakfast table, her mother rushed into the kitchen in a rage and shouted at my friend: "you know I would have left your father years ago if he was not so good in bed!" We were young and confused. We discussed about it later but could not understand it. Then I noticed, couples who have great sex tend to stay together. The passion is a strong and hard to find bond between two people. The easiest is to find the commitment. It changes from society to society and it depends on values. The more you move to the east the more you find commitment. My friends parents had passion and commitment between them, they were not getting along but they were faithful to each other, they yearned for each others bodies, they were married with kids they were commited to each other. It was just a misfortune for them to think that their marriage is a disaster and not observe how lucky they are. There are many people who can not find this type of romance.

In marriage we look for the things we can not find in our lives with other people. We can have passion with the one we love, if we are committed too it is better. However marriage and frienship are not the same concepts. They are one but not the same. You can have many friends but only one husband. I think it is an important thing to consider.

If you have it all, good for you! If you don't please search for what is important to you. If it is passion, then go look for it. If you prefer a friend that is good too. But decide, search. When you find it be happy. Don't judge yourself with other peoples values.

I think triangular theory of love gives a basis to discuss these matters. It gives so much insight. Tonight think about it, and introspect. What do you want? What do you need?

I will tell you my story soon.
Cheers

Where does romantic love come from?

If it is your time, love will track you down like a cruise missile.

-- Lynda Barry

So you are in love.

I was madly in love and did not know what to do about it. My life was a mess at the time. I was so unhappy beforehand. After falling in love, I was desperately unhappy and miraculously happy at the same time. Then I knew I had to take action. But I did not know what to do. My life was complicated at that time. I wanted to rationalize what I have been going through.

During my research I figured, it is really all about your family and your childhood traumas. You are wounded somehow, you want to fix it. Understand it by re-staging the conditions to resolve this time. So you choose people for your wounds. If it is a parent, you choose a partner who you can transform into this parent you have issues with. A little familiarity is enough. In every relationship we are not in our own personalities. We act a differently. Our partner demands it so without noticing.

Romantic love is all about shadows. Shadows of two people talk to each other in their own way. What you cannot face, what you cannot cope you put it in your shadow. The good thing is they don’t stay there long, and romantic love is a great way of facing yourself. Real love transforms you and your partner into something new and stronger.

What makes love?

Three things. Intimacy, passion, commitment.

Intimacy is sharing. Showing oneself your true self with all the good things and the bad things. Showing your true face, the one you cannot look alone. You have to share. You cannot hide. If you hide, if you are afraid, you wont have intimacy.

Commitment is saying this is the person I am with. After the commitment, once two people know they will be there for each other no matter what happens, it creates a strong bond. Without commitment the couple cannot feel the trust and intimacy gets wounded.

Passion is the hardest part of the triangle. It is between two bodies, it is between souls. It is a gift. It is a miracle. I don’t know how to achieve it, however I know when two people really connect in a deep level and do not fear their shadows, it can happen.