Second Thoughts: Doubts before Marriage

In matrimony, to hesitate is sometimes to be saved.-- Samuel Butler

So if you really love me, Say yes.
But if you don't, dear, confess.

Marriage is an huge step in life. Before my first marriage, I had many doubts, I had a feeling this might not worked. However I have made a promise to my boy friend, so I went along and get married. And guess what? I am divorced now. What is more interesting is, all my friends have divorced or about to getting a divorce, or wants to but afraid of getting a divorce. I have witnessed all these marriages and relationships from start to end. Then I started to wonder, would it make any change to talk about doubts? What is wrong with doubts and worries? Many people have doubts before getting married, there is the wedding anxiety, fear of commitment and so on. Yet, people get married and some of them really be happily ever after. (Few but it happens)

Did these happy couples have doubts before marriage? I guess yes. what about divorced couples. Hell, yes. So what difference does it make? Which feelings are just anxiety, which feelings of doubt can be the sign of a more important thing. That is the question.

Only the people who are getting married can know the difference between the anxiety or the real doubts. There are ways to help them figure it out.

Marriage Pressure

You have to remind your friend, and yourself, you have to take care of the pressure. Maybe every single person around you wants you to get married. Maybe you are getting older and worried about living single. Maybe it is your parents or in-laws or relatives. You feel the pressure. You feel you are giving up. "I will do what ever you tell me please just take away the pressure!!!"

This is dangerous. The best way to help yourself is to remove this pressure from your life and try to understand what you really want. Go for a vacation alone. Mediate. Try yoga. Talk to friend who are not obsessed about marriage, who do not care that much. Go someplace where you can be alone, with yourself. Imagine you are going to die in a year. Would you still wanted to be married to this person? If you are going to die in ten years?

If you have poor stress management techniques, it is possible that you make bad decisions under stress. It is an important decision to be taken seriously. If it is your parents, image you are living alone. Imagine they don't exist. Would you still marry?

If the answer is no, just walk away.

Is is marriage or relationship?

Are you in love? Do you want the person next to you to be with you? Maybe he is a great guy, and he asked the question with a beautiful stone. You said yes. Now you can not stop worrying and love the ring. Well. Maybe you might consider taking things slow. You can plan a long engagement to be sure. Engagement is a stressful event, with lots of quarrels, his family, your family, lots of conflicts, differences. If you do not want to commit yourself, there may be two options. Either you have commitment issues. Or simply, you do not love this guy enough.

If you think you have commitment issues, make some thought experiments. What if he was this person, what if it was your high school sweetheart? What if he was the guy you always adored but did not have courage to ask him out? Would these conditions make any difference? So try to imagine, do you have commitment problems in general? In what conditions you would say, this is it, and I am going to die if I don't marry this person! If you can think about conditions, you can say, it is not about you. It is your feelings towards this person. It is not the marriage. There are deeper implications.


I will continue tomorrow...

(I am getting married very soon. I think at last I know the difference between anxiety of marriage, the wedding and ceremony and not wanting to get married. In this second round, I had though times but whenever I look at my man, I see us growing old with children, and have an amazing life together, to sleep with him every night....)

Others: Happy Looking Couples

"There is only one kind of love, but there are a thousand imitations."François
de La Rouchefoucauld

I have just read a screen play by Donald Marguiles. "Dinner with friends". There is also a 2001 movie version of it. It is about two married couples, who likes to spend time together. Then one of the couples split up, and the other couple questions what is going on in their relationship.

In most of the unhappy relationships there exists a problem of others. The grass is always greener on the other side. You have problems, but on the other side of your gate, your neighbour's home is so warm, his wife is so understanding, their relationship is so satisfactory, you may feel. Most of the time, the guy next door feels the same about you.

Most of the couples have a public mask. They want to be perceived in a certain way, that will fit their image. However it may hide lots of problems. There is no such thing as a "happy childhood" and there is no "perfect couples" , "ideal lives". In real life and love there are quarrels, fights and problems of day to day life. You may not witness them but they are there. If they do not exist, the lack of disagreement may be the real problem. So fighting in a relationship is perfectly normal and healthy.

They give you a role model. If you are young, that is worse. They spread their marriage propaganda, their way of living. Before my first marriage I adored a couple I knew. They always looked so happy together, always laughing. They were both academicians, they had this wonderful life. They tasted wine together, go the theatres and movies, attended book clubs, movie clubs. Lots of multi-cultural friends. They hang out together, and by themselves from time to time. They can talk about anything. The woman is really independent and strong. The man respects that. They were collage sweethearts and so on.

So I adored this couple, I wanted to be like them. I got married to my friend. I was not madly in love but what the heck, this couple was not too. Then slowly it came to me. I figured out this couple was not happy at all. They yearned for real love but did not know how to get it. They lacked passion. They were friends all right but it did not suit for marriage. We do not marry all our friends, are we? They were lonely people can not get a divorce because of their child and own fears and insecurities. They liked each other as company but did not love each other. My marriage collapsed and then I figured. passion is a must and it is totally different from friendship.

You can not judge your relationship by other couples standards. First it may not fit you, second you do not know how they are when they are by themselves. So it is important to be careful and listen to your heart.

An imitation is more glorious than real.
Be real, be true.
Don't settle for anything less than true love.

Cheers.

Passion, Commitment, Intimacy: I love thee.

Western civilization is obsessed with triangles. Here comes another one. Triangle theory of love by psychologist Robert Sternberg. This theory explains what I have been talking about in my previous post Where Does Romantic Love Come From?


You can read the summary of the theory from wikipedia Triangular Theory of Love.


I think it is an interesting theory. It explains why some of the relations last no matter what. When I was in high school, a friend of mines parents were talking about divorce all the time. They have talked about hating each other, divorcing each other in front of their kids for at least ten years. (It has been 10 years since I have last seen them, but they are still together as I have heard recently). The problem was (I thought and many people I knew thought at that time) the woman was a collage graduate, articulate, intellectual, strong teacher where the man was a high-school-drop-out photographer, not much into books or movies, more into sports and kind of macho in his own sexy way. When they were together you could feel some sparks in the air. They could not get on very well on daily matters, they were totally different in every aspect of life. We could not get it.

One day the mistery was resolved. I was with my friend on breakfast table, her mother rushed into the kitchen in a rage and shouted at my friend: "you know I would have left your father years ago if he was not so good in bed!" We were young and confused. We discussed about it later but could not understand it. Then I noticed, couples who have great sex tend to stay together. The passion is a strong and hard to find bond between two people. The easiest is to find the commitment. It changes from society to society and it depends on values. The more you move to the east the more you find commitment. My friends parents had passion and commitment between them, they were not getting along but they were faithful to each other, they yearned for each others bodies, they were married with kids they were commited to each other. It was just a misfortune for them to think that their marriage is a disaster and not observe how lucky they are. There are many people who can not find this type of romance.

In marriage we look for the things we can not find in our lives with other people. We can have passion with the one we love, if we are committed too it is better. However marriage and frienship are not the same concepts. They are one but not the same. You can have many friends but only one husband. I think it is an important thing to consider.

If you have it all, good for you! If you don't please search for what is important to you. If it is passion, then go look for it. If you prefer a friend that is good too. But decide, search. When you find it be happy. Don't judge yourself with other peoples values.

I think triangular theory of love gives a basis to discuss these matters. It gives so much insight. Tonight think about it, and introspect. What do you want? What do you need?

I will tell you my story soon.
Cheers

Where does romantic love come from?

If it is your time, love will track you down like a cruise missile.

-- Lynda Barry

So you are in love.

I was madly in love and did not know what to do about it. My life was a mess at the time. I was so unhappy beforehand. After falling in love, I was desperately unhappy and miraculously happy at the same time. Then I knew I had to take action. But I did not know what to do. My life was complicated at that time. I wanted to rationalize what I have been going through.

During my research I figured, it is really all about your family and your childhood traumas. You are wounded somehow, you want to fix it. Understand it by re-staging the conditions to resolve this time. So you choose people for your wounds. If it is a parent, you choose a partner who you can transform into this parent you have issues with. A little familiarity is enough. In every relationship we are not in our own personalities. We act a differently. Our partner demands it so without noticing.

Romantic love is all about shadows. Shadows of two people talk to each other in their own way. What you cannot face, what you cannot cope you put it in your shadow. The good thing is they don’t stay there long, and romantic love is a great way of facing yourself. Real love transforms you and your partner into something new and stronger.

What makes love?

Three things. Intimacy, passion, commitment.

Intimacy is sharing. Showing oneself your true self with all the good things and the bad things. Showing your true face, the one you cannot look alone. You have to share. You cannot hide. If you hide, if you are afraid, you wont have intimacy.

Commitment is saying this is the person I am with. After the commitment, once two people know they will be there for each other no matter what happens, it creates a strong bond. Without commitment the couple cannot feel the trust and intimacy gets wounded.

Passion is the hardest part of the triangle. It is between two bodies, it is between souls. It is a gift. It is a miracle. I don’t know how to achieve it, however I know when two people really connect in a deep level and do not fear their shadows, it can happen.

Before Getting Married... Any doubts?

It is hard to make a decision that changes your life forever. (It is harder for the second time you'd think but not for me in its own mysterious way). This post is intended to people who already have a committed relationship and consider walking the line.

Anti-Marriage Arguments

Why bother?

Despite what we are always told, there are many women who do not want to get married. The research has stated that marriage increases the risk for depression in women and decreases for men. So many independent, clever and single woman ask to themselves, "we are pretty much living together, we enjoy ourselves, why bother? "

Families.

When you get married your families are all over the place. When we are living together it is just the two of us. I am reading a book named "when difficult relatives happen to good people". The book says, in every family, there are different personality types, one narcissist, one moderate narcissist, one giver, one moderate giver. If you get along with your mate, you probably wont get along with one or more siblings or one of the parent. It is the way things are, we should expect it and not worry about it. (Your love is the most important thing. You are not marrying his family.)

Families before the Wedding

If you are a tense person, It may be the right time to attend to a stress management class or start doing pilates and yoga. When wedding time comes, families go mad. Their demands, their requests, old feelings, old scars people have about their weddings and their in-laws. Be patient. I think many people prefer to stay single than go through this mess. (If you have been dating for some time, and met with some of the family members, and have some negative opinions about them it may be harder.)

Do you love enough?

Maybe it is fear, but if you decided to get married, than started having second thoughts, you have to think well. It may be nothing, just the excitement. However, it can be a sign for a more important thing. Many people regret not to listen to these second thoughts and married anyway and divorced later. No one can tell you about your feelings. Look inside you. Take a deep look at to the person next to you. Does s/he make you laugh, do you want to have sex with him/her, do you adore her/him? Everyone has a different style of loving. Choose yours, think about the things that really matter. If there is no problem go and get married, if there is RUN!

What should you do?

I think you have to do some inner work to figure out whether your feelings are caused by fear or there is a bigger issue? Maybe you are running from yourself because you do not want to ruin your wedding? This was what I had done before my first marriage. I loved the guy, as a friend. He made me laugh sometimes, but it was not so important to me, as I later understood. I had a feeling that we would not last long. But instead of trusting that feeling, I suppressed my self, I rationalized my feelings and spent four years in oblivion which was totally unnecessary. One thing I should do was to say: I am sorry, I don't love you enough.

So I want to warn young people, don't say "I do" unless you are absolutely sure. Beware of the rationalizations you make. Listen to your feelings.

Is is Too Late to Change Plans?

It is never too late. Believe me, the best divorce is not as good as not marrying in the first place. I always respect people who run away from their own weddings. Think about the courage. All the people you love are there, but you take the risk and go! This is something I couldn't do so paid a high price. I do not say, wait until the end, do not ever wait. However, do not get married if you have serious doubts. Make sure first.

Introduction

"A journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step.” Lao Tzu

Most of us have been there and done that. Right?

We have been in love. Some of us are still there. Some of us lost it. Some of us understood that was not our true love. Some of us yearn for it. Some of us witnessed the romantic love to transform.

Then came decisions for more serious things, commitment issues and marriage. We got married, we are preparing to get married, we want to get married. Or maybe we were once married now single again. Afraid to cope with after marriage issues and insecurities. (Or relieved and free!). Maybe we do not want to get married. Maybe we are happy singles who wants to enjoy life without external pressures. Or thinking about divorce. Does it help or worsen? Do people tend to do the same things over and over again? Why bother? Or is it the same thing?

There is a lot to talk about.

In my life I fall in and out of love. I got married, I had a divorce. I am getting married for the second time. I have aunts and nieces, a lot of woman in my family, also many friends. In the future I want to encourage people who has "been there" to share their experiences with us. This involves personal matters, feelings, the inner work we have been through, the pain, the relief, also practical advices to men and women.

I thing my first focus will be on my personal issues about marriage. I am in the middle of planning my own wedding. (Therefore have some experience on what not to do.)
During my first marriage and divorce I had difficult times, I did a lot of thinking and reading. So I want to share my opinions on those matters as well as book reviews that did me well during the process.

I hope it goes well.
Cheers everyone!